Thoughts Of A Slightly Stressed Out, Anxious Millennial In The Time of 2021

It's been a looong time since I've blogged. I've always been able to better express myself through written word than spoken. You could say writing helps me maintain my sanity. So the title, rice and sandwiches. My parents are immigrants from the Philippines and we grew up eating a lot of rice. I have a rice belly. I didn't dive into more western foods such as potatoes, pasta, and yes, sandwiches, until much later in my formative years. A wonderful surprise for me was that I found out that I really like sandwiches. Like, so many different types of them. Rice and Sandwiches is a celebration, a fusion of two cultures and environments that I have grown up in and that I am both a product of. 

The past couple of weeks have been the hardest I have faced spiritually. Some days I wake up and it's like I'm living in a nightmare that just will not go away. However, some other days I wake up and it's not like that at all. Some mornings I wake up and I feel joy, peace, safety, hope. I experience comfort and assurance that things will be okay. I try to remember how these moments feel, really relish them, because they become fuel and strength during the harder days. 

I've said this before and I'll repeat it again (probably more than once before this is all over). I feel like the whole world is going to need therapy from the past year, year and a half. Loved ones and friends of friends have died. I hate watching my friends and relatives, neighbors, co-workers, people in my church community-I hate watching them grieve. I hate watching their sadness and pain. I hate crying. I hate feeling sadness and pain. I hate reading another headline of someone dying. I feel so helpless. I feel so sad. Sometimes it doesn't seem fair. So I scale it back. I think too much consumption of the news will make me crazy. I sing, work out, play the piano. I watch comedies to comfort me. #homeimprovement #timallen #patriciarichardson #lastmanstanding

In terms of my health, I've got a road ahead of me-allergy shots, a few fillings (because I could've been nicer to my teeth). But I believe God extended His mercy and provided a window for me to take some time to literally heal my body. You could say I'm undergoing maintenance right now, so that I come back a better version of myself. 

I miss my mom. I miss traveling. I miss being able to have real life human contact. I miss going to the gym! Ugh. It's so hard. The world and my life are not where I was expecting them to be. I wasn't expecting to be returning to near quarantine life this time, this year. My LSAT studying isn't where it's supposed to be (at least, by my standards). And then there's the whole money situation too. But my needs will be met. God's been faithful in the past and He won't let me down now. 

I think that sometimes the fight to plan, strategize, and control your life leads to revelations of utter futility. I believe that God is in control. Nothing surprises Him. The craziness of this past year has not surprised Him, nor will the next crazy thing to come. I don't think He likes all the bad things that happen, but He sure can handle them infinitely better than we ever could, and He can make things okay again. I believe God has an ultimate plan and purpose for all of us. I personally believe that there are things He has planned for me, specific work that He would have me do. And that helps make things feel better. The thought of a mighty ruler and simultaneously a loving, caring father who sustains the whole world and to whom all living things must obey. And knowing that I wasn't a random thought, that even before I was born He bestowed purpose upon me. These are things I believe. You don't have to believe them if such beliefs don't jive with you. But I beseech you to find the things and people that help keep you sane. Things that give your strength and endurance, things that give you hope and joy to keep moving forward. May you be well. <3