Approximately a year and a half ago, I almost committed suicide. If it hadn't been for my two friends who so happened to be in my house with me, I'm not sure I would be here today. My friends' lives were floating along, everything they wanted to happen happening. But mine wasn't. I felt like I was stuck in the mud revving my engine but nothing. The immediate days before and after my near suicide attempt I was in a bad situation with someone. The person wasn't who I thought they were and that pretty much broke the way I saw the world.
I thought God didn't care about me. I thought God didn't love me anymore. I figured, if God doesn't even love me, then what am I doing here?
The first few months were rough. The first few weeks afterwards were a little hairy. I had to come up with an extensive safety plan with my therapist and a good friend of mine had me promise to call her if I felt like I was going into the bad place. It's been amazing to see how God has healed me so much since then, and how He continues to do so. I've had a lot of therapy and just general time to process stuff and talk to God about it.
Now, I believe that God does love me, but I struggle to acquiesce to Him completely. I was recently approached by my boss's boss if I wanted a promotion up from my current position. I just turned down a job offer to teach abroad in Morocco. The plan is supposed to be to go to law school. I've been working towards this one and off for two years. I don't understand. I believe that God's plans are the best, way better than I could ever imagine for myself. But I still am scared to let go. I have this deep seated fear that if things don't go the way I think they should go I won't be okay. My parents won't be okay. My sister won't be okay. I just can't let go at the risk of things not being okay. It's crazy to think how something that happened almost twenty years ago still seem like yesterday. I remember it all-my mom getting sick, my family losing pretty much everything. I can't let go. I just need some reassurance that if I deviate from the path I've been trying so hard to carve out, that if I step away from that things will be okay and everyone will be okay.
I've had to be responsible since I was twelve. I've spent so much of my life making sure we're surviving; I had to. This is a default that I also can't let go of. But what if you could just stop worrying about the welfare of your loved ones. What if you could just give that to God? And just get to be yourself, get to focus more on you. That would be nice. How do I get there?
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